The Story Of Noah's Ark Retold (A Modern Fable)

And the Lord said unto Noah: "Where is the ark which I had commanded thee to build?"

And Noah said unto the Lord: "Believe me, O Lord, three of my carpenters have reported sick. The gopher wood supplier has let me down - yes, even though the gopher wood has been on order for nigh upon 12 months. "What can I do, O Lord?"

And God said unto Noah: "I want that ark finished within seven days and seven nights."

And Noah said: "It will be so."

And it was not so.

And the Lord said unto Noah: "What seems to be the trouble this time?"

And Noah said unto the Lord: "My subcontractor has gone bankrupt. The pitch which Thou commanded me to put on the outside and on the inside of the ark has not arrived. The plumber has gone on strike. Shem, my son who helps me on the ark side of the business, has formed a rock group with his brothers Ham and Japheth. Lord, I am undone."

And the Lord grew angry and said: "And what about the animals, the male and female of every sort that I ordered to be put in the ark to keep their seed alive upon the face of the earth?"

And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying: "The parcel service has delivered them unto the wrong address. And some animals are discontinued lines; thou cannot get them for love nor money. Lord, Lord, Thou knowest how it is."

And the Lord in His Wisdom said: "Noah, my son, I knowest. Why else do you think I have caused a flood to descend upon the earth?"

The Tourist's Prayer

Heavenly Father, look down on us, your humble, obedient, tourist servants, who are doomed to travel this earth, taking photographs and videos, mailing postcards and e-mailing shopping expedition stories to uninterested friends, buying souvenirs and walking around in drip-dry underwear. We beseech you, O Lord, to see that our plane is not hijacked, our luggage is not lost and that our overweight baggage goes unnoticed.

Give us this day divine guidance in our selection of hotels. We pray that the phones work, and that the operators speak our tongue, that there is mobile phone connectivity wherever we go, and that there are no letters and sms messages from our children which would force us to cancel the rest of our trip.

Lead us to good, inexpensive restaurants, where the wine is included in the price of the meal. Give us the wisdom to tip correctly in currencies we do not understand. Make the natives love us for what we are and not what we can contribute to their worldly goods.

Grant us the strength to visit the museums, the cathedrals, the palaces, and if, perchance, we skip a historic monument to take a nap after lunch, have mercy on us for our flesh is weak.

Dear God, protect our wives from "bargains" they don't need or can't afford. Lead them not into temptation for they know not what they do.

Almighty Father, keep our husbands from looking at foreign women and comparing them to us. Save them from making fools of themselves in nightclubs. Above all, please do not forgive them their trespasses for they know exactly what they do.

And when our voyage is over, grant us the favour of finding someone who will look at our home movies and photographs, and listen to our stories, so that our lives as tourists will not have been in vain.

Amen.